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I let myself believe that the distance was the source of our problems, and once we were together, everything would be better. The challenge, however, is to identify how many of these issues are actually solvable, and how many are signs of ship-sinking incompatibility.

For us, it was easy to blame them all on the distance, even the ones that had absolutely nothing to do with the miles between us, and then take the leap, believing that marriage would fix everything. I have a friend who broke up his engagement months before the wedding.

In real life, marriage is not an end, but a beginning. We manage to fool ourselves into thinking that getting married solves relationship problems, but the truth is whatever issues we carry with us up the aisle, we also carry back down and into our newlywed life. Sign in Get started.

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Mar We bought a house, got married and had a baby. Those years were pretty good.

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But we had a few factors working against us. It was my second marriage and, statistically speaking, second marriages are even less likely to work than firsts. We were an instant family, giving us little time on our own, and my husband had a job that required him to often work evenings and weekends. Things began to deteriorate as we struggled to communicate or see eye to eye over issues like parenting and money.

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What Relate Counselling Auckland director Steven Dromgool might say here is that we'd depleted our relational bank account. It's astounding how much unhappiness people will endure because they're afraid of change or being alone, says psychologist Dr Ruth Jillings. People will say, 'Don't be ridiculous, that's not what I feel', but it's a deep-seated core fear that's hidden behind all sorts of things.

People fret about finances and how a split will affect the children. I've even known couples who've been in almost hostile situations.

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We get used to all sorts of stuff. I even went to a counsellor to double-check if I was really this unhappy. I started having an affair. It would just be a way of me giving myself some personal happiness so that I could stay in the marriage and see the kids through school. But we were found out. The fallout was catastrophic and the year that followed was the second worst of my life.

Externally-influenced Ed

My husband was incredibly hurt and angry. I thought he'd want to split but he wanted to work things out.

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I wasn't sure we could but believed we should try for the sake of keeping the family together. It was an utopia we tried desperately to reach but we didn't make it.


While we moved past the anger and hurt, and even got to a place where my husband said 'I can understand why you did it', we never found a way to create a new and better relationship. There are lots of tears, lots of protest, lots of upset," Steven explains. You've got that bond of that awful secret you share. We were both as lonely as ever. We kept this up for a year.

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How do you know when it's time to go? When you just can't do this any more. When you're sick and tired of being sick and tired.